Posted on 2005/01/16 Letters & Poems Absolutely copied with permission.

I promised that I would write more on this topic.

I didn’t realize that I was going to end up on the memorial site for Marc’s family. An honour that I truly do not deserve.

I’m sitting on the couch, my son is sleeping in his bed (having suddenly decided he’s a sleeper) and my daughter is companionably reading a book while I type and we both half watch Princess Diary 2. She’s describing the contents of her backpack and telling me about how she’s going to go to school next year. My wife is off having some time to herself.

I couldn’t be luckier.

Our lives over the last 18 – 24 months have been pretty tumultuous, we had to work with the bankruptcy court to make a creditor proposal. I came pretty close to a nervous breakdown and was saved at the last moment by my doctor. We had a second child, whom we’d planned not to have for at least another year or two to get us back on our feet. I changed jobs, taking a substantial cut in pay in order to be closer to home and to be able to spend more time with my family. I’ve still been unable to meet all of my financial obligations to my step-kids, which their father has used as a lever to ensure that they haven’t seen or spoken to their mother in 18 months. I have managed to lose weight and stave off some of the genetic inevitabilities (bloody heart disease and diabetes, thanks ‘rents!)

And still, every day I wake a blessed man.

Marc’s loss has allowed me to see the ways in which my life is absolutely incredible. I can’t possibly understand his pain.

I will be a better person. Each day I’ll find something that I can change for the better and I’ll do it.

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